Hello Endo, I would like to break up with you. Yours sincerely, Eva
Since I was 16 years old I have had endometriosis. To make it super simple to explain, endo means that my inner lining of my uterus also grows outside of the uterus, growing onto different parts in my abdomen. This creates inflammation. Inflammation spreads in the body. Inflammation sucks. It makes you tired, it's incredibly painful and it tears down tissue. You really don't want inflammation in the body (lots of ppl say cancer comes from inflammation, just like more or less all of the new "western diseases", I'm not a scientist but I sure as hell know I don't want to have inflammation in my body).
To combat the inflammation I got an IUD (hormonal coil that adds progesterone to the body) last spring to stop my bleeding and thus lessen the risk of inflammation. It works pretty well and things have improved a lot. Prior to the IUD I was in pain so often. The PMS was unbelievable and I could get suicidal a few days a month due to hormonal imbalance. So, not to go too much into that darkness (that might be another post in the future) I had to succumb to abandoning my "I refuse western medicine" attitude and give it a try. It helped. A lot.
But not entirely. When I stress the inflammation comes back. It's here now. And it sucks. It's painful, it's paralyzing and it's messing with my mind. Luckily I can see it and thus distance myself from it, but to be completely honest there's not much feeling of joy in life at this very time. Yesterday was really really bad. Today is better, but it's still hard. My normal optimistic attitude feels so far away and I really miss it. I like to genuinely see the light in everything, to always easily find the good in the bad and take on life with a smile. Even therapists have been astound by my optimism amidst all hell I've been through. For so long I thought it was fake, that it was yet another facade I put on to push away the pain, but I've realized that the more I become my true self, the stronger that happiness and optimism is. And that's freaking amazing. And I miss it. I hate feeling paralyzed and negative. I hate feeling low and tired. I hate this pain and all the side effects of a misgrown endometrium.
I hate hating everything.
But yeah, I can see it. I can see how I'm right now practicing what I preach, having the bad along with the good, the darkness along with the light, and not escaping it is the best way to go. I KNOW! This makes it all more genuine. This makes me a more authentic person and gives me amazing perspectives on that I actually teach. Yay for that............ (see, I can't even find the good in that!)
I KNOW THIS IS PART OF LIFE. That all the work I've done wasn't to always be free from darkness, but rather to be better at handling it and getting out of it. I know this is a reminder of how far I've come and that I'm not done yet and that this studying of mine is everlasting and evergrowing and everevolving. I KNOW!
It's just NOT FUN AT ALL! It's fucking PAINFUL!
Thank GOD I have an amazing strong body that most of the time is so well-functioning and has all it needs to get through this. And that my practice helps my mind to get through this. And that this too shall pass, just like everything else in this world.
But I'd still want to break up with endo. It's time. I'm ready to leave you know. Thank you. Bye.
Until then, a hand on my back or a needle stuck in there would be amazing. Thanks again!